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Why My Left Brain Hates My Right Brain

It was still pitch dark outside when my left brain rolled over and glanced at the digital clock.  It groaned in frustration as it realized that once again, my right brain was wide awake and obsessed with its latest “big idea.”

“Are you out of our mind?  Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Huh?” my right brain replied, jarred out of its reverie by the irritated tone of its opposing counterpart.

“It’s four o’clock in the morning!”

“Yeah. So?”

“I have to get up in a few hours.  When I do, I’ll be expected to make all the decisions, same as always.  I don’t want to be fuzzy – not like you, you right-brained lunatic!”

“But I just got this really cool idea for a new story. It’s about a detective who solves crimes by accident. And he’s accident prone, except the accidents never happen to him, only to those who are nearby.  So whenever he’s on a case, he always…”

“I don’t care!” my left lobe snapped.  ”It’s always something!  Why does it have to be at four o’clock in the morning?”

“I don’t know.  It’s not my fault.  It just happens.  An idea pops into my head and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Well, knock it off.  We’ve both got to get some sleep, especially me.  How am I supposed to run a business and drive a car and calculate the sales tax on a cup of coffee with only three hours of sleep?  My guy can make it fine without you – but what would he do without me?”

My right brain sniffed at the suggestion.  ”He would be as dull as chewed pencil if it wasn’t for me!  I’m the one who puts COLOR into his life!  Dreams!  Adventure!  Creativity!  Excitement!  He’d be a tie-wearing, cave-dwelling, pasty-faced Microsoft dweeb if you were in charge!”

“He’d be asleep if I was in charge,” my left brain barked.  ”Instead, we’re tangled up in our sheets, flopping around, dreaming about some stupid accident prone private detective.  Well, I’ve got something you can investigate.  This pillow!  Now shut up and go to sleep.”

For two minutes it remained dead quiet, until my left brain realized that the synapses in my right brain were still firing on all cylinders at a hundred clicks a second.

“Now what?”

“Did you ever wonder what would happen if an ostrich laid a golden egg?  I wonder how much it would weigh?”

“Do you know what I think?”


“I think if I had hands I’d punch you right in the Prefrontal Cortex.”

There. Finished.  And it’s only 5:36 am!

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Comment from betty
Time November 12, 2009 at 9:13 am

I’ve never blogged before, but i have experienced the left brain/right brain in the middle of the night. I’m a gramma. Can grammas write messages?

Comment from Nowen N. Particular
Time November 12, 2009 at 9:18 am

Of course grandmothers are invited to make comments on blogs. It’s a brave new world – grandmas with cell phones! Grandmas texting! Grandmas on Twitter! Grandmas with websites. Grandmas driving in the opposite lane on the Internet highway.

Comment from Bookworm
Time November 29, 2009 at 8:33 pm

This is absolutely hilarious!!!

Funny thing is, my left brain and right brain go at it like that at 4 a.m. too!!! But, of course, not quite so hilariously!!!

You are FUNNY! Funny, funny, funny!

Comment from Nowen N. Particular
Time November 30, 2009 at 5:43 am

Thanks. It’s funny at 10am, after my left brain has had its coffee. But not as funny at 5am, no matter what my right brain says.

Comment from The First BrightHawk
Time December 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

Hey! I have these conversations too…only sometimes they happen out loud. Also, because of my age, my left brain is easily “infected” by my right brain. That is when things REALLY get crazy…

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